


Bad Comedy

by Vivalavidapasta



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Drinking, F/F, F/M, Lots of foreshadowing you don’t even know, M/M, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, Reader fucking dies (jk), Reader-Insert, Reader’s gender is ambiguous but might be implied, Shit title for a shit story, Those guys gotta get hurt all the time right?, bisexual reader, its funny but then can get violent quick, reader is a background character basically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:21:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28962357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivalavidapasta/pseuds/Vivalavidapasta
Summary: Alternate timeline to my oldest fanfic where instead of fucking powerglide and astoria, you fuck starscream
Relationships: Astoria Carlton-Ritz/You, Starscream/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	1. Birds of Paradise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SS_Shitstorm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SS_Shitstorm/gifts).



There was no sun but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t light. In fact, everything seemed to have light here. The pixelated grass, the grid floor, even the polygon birds. They chirp and flap and preen all upon the digital tree. 

Yet a single polygon chicken glides down to you. He fluffs out his pixels and struts towards you, looking down at your prone form. 

“Pathetic. You don’t even have wings to fly with.” he seethes.

You blink, or at least try to, as the edges of your vision start to fade, staring up at the Rooster’s glitching form.

“But... you can’t fly either...”

———-

You wake up on the floor, in a puddle of liquids. Please not your own vomit....

Oh phew, it’s not your own vomit. It’s your blood, mixed with vodka. That’s nice....

Wait, WHAT!?

You fling yourself up, wildly looking around. You wet hair splats the other side of your face but that’s not what you’re worried about, you’re trying to look for Astoria.

You reckon she’s not here by the trajectory of the moon and the sun and- the humongous hole in the ceiling where giant alien robots busted in and grabbed her. You groan, rubbing your head before a burst of anger makes you growl and stomp your foot to the ground. Great! Just great.

You knew you shouldn’t have gone to work today.


	2. Ass story ha

Astoria Carlton Ritz.

Your best friend, your best boss.

Your fathers were great friends. Hers hired yours at the start of the company. While you had a few playdates here and there growing up, you’ve never really gotten quite... used to her. Not until the two of you followed your father’s footsteps and became Employer and Employee. 

As you did, you began to count in your head all the ways that the two of you were different. She was snobbish and picky, with what she ate and wore, even commenting on your more lose and casual clothing. She loved fruity and colorful drinks, you preferred a good wine or champagne. She loved knock knock jokes and you loved puns.

It wasn’t that you were too different, in fact you loved her differences. It was just that, sometimes she can be... a l o t.

You stare at the coffee machine, trying to will it to magically go faster so you can be there before- A scream rings throughout the office. 

That happens. 

You hurry over, forgetting about the coffee, to Astoria’s side as a cranky office worker yells at her. 

“THIS IS THE THIRD COMPUTER THIS WEEK!!!” He screeches, practically foaming at the mouth. Astoria hmphs as she crosses her arms. 

“I was only trying to help, you know! You old geezers don’t even know how to work a computer.” She flips her hair. You sigh and hold your face, coming closer to her and tapping the computer. “Astoria, that’s why we ha-“

“THATS WHY WE HAVE I.T!!!! IM SICK OF YOU AND THIS BUSINESS! I QUIT!!” He tears off his name tag and throws it down at the computer. It hits the on button and suddenly it turns off... then turns on again, working as if it nothing ever happened. 

He looks on, guffawing. “Wait, it’s.. it’s fixed. Oh my god, I’m so sorry miss Carl-“ 

“Haha, see! I told you I can fix it!” She gives the computer a Pat... and then it explodes, fizzing out. 

The office is quiet as you quickly grab Astoria and book it back to the kitchen as the police is called for a man on a murderous rampage.

You groan as you put her back down, now in the kitchen. She laughs and puts her hands on her hips. “Well, that teaches him to yell at me!”

“Astoria, I told you, you gotta stop even touching computers. You cause them to go crazy” you say as you take the fresh coffee and start putting in her favorites. Chocolate, hazel nut milk, a side of fresh raspberries. You hand it to her and she starts chugging it down. 

“Mmmmm, delicious as ever. Still, I don’t pay you to tell me what to do.” She smacks her lips together before chomping down a strawberry. “Mrm, hey, you wanna go to a party later? I’m so over my dad’s business ones. All they serve is crappy punch, eugh! Yuck!” She makes a face, shaking her head. 

You sigh. “You’re gonna make me go either way, huh?” She smirks and pushes her arm agains you. “You know you love me~” 

You chuckle, blushing a bit. “Maybe I do.” 

———

Nevermind. Maybe you don’t. 

This place is horrible, everything is horrible. This dress she made you put on is horrible and this vodka is horrible. You’ll stay in this corner of yours to spoil. Maybe when you finally leave, you would have grown mushrooms on you. 

“Cmooooon, look at all the hot hunks tonight!!!” Astoria tries to pull at your arm. She’s wearing a yellow sundress, barely even close to clubbing attire.

You scoff. “Yeah, hot hunks who’s just trying to get in your skirt. Be careful Astoria. I’ve been to these kind of parties. Some of these dudes try sneaky shit with girls.” You try to warn her, frowning.

This time she scoffs at you. “Please, I wouldn’t let anyone walk over me! I’ll be fine.” She finally lets go and prances around, no doubt looking for a hot date. 

You sigh and taste the vodka. And by taste, you mean sticking your tongue in it and trying not to imagine you’re drinking mouthwash. 

Some guy comes up to you, smelling like said mouthwash and the musk of cologne, wearing a jumper suit. Great. 

“Hey girrrrl. Darling, I couldn’t but help notice that you’re all her by your lonesome. Why don’t ya tell me bout yourself?” He winks twice while talking, which to you means he’s either drunk or high or a goddamn murderer. 

Gritting you’re teeth, you nurse at your drink again. He chuckles, forcefully. 

“Aww, c’mon, what’s wrong, you don’t like guys or something?” 

You stare at him. “No.”

“Ah, so you’re the kind that likes girls then? Hm?”

You stare at him. “No.”

He squints at you. “Then who do you l-“

A huge crash startles you, as three giant robots bludgeon the roof and grab at Astoria, who was dancing in the middle. 

You gasp and knock over the guy as you run up to them. “ASTORIA!!!!” 

One of the robots squint at you. 

“Ew. Worm.” It swipes at you, sending you flying. You black out as you hit the wall with a definite crunching noise.

Whoops, there goes your vodka.


	3. Pet problems

Limping around, you see these assholes have left you to rot on the floor with the building now empty, aside from a wierdass blue boombox. You decide to steal it because who takes a boombox to a party already with music?? 

Jesus fuck, this thing is heavy. Must be high tech. You carry it outside with you, out the back door, as you walk in random direction. 

Your legs hurt and sting as you carry this heavy ass boombox through the suburbs, only to start passing out. “Noooooo” you groan, falling to your knees. “Astoriaaaaaaa” you slur as you hit the ground, vision fading fast. 

———

Waking up is a feat on its self, let alone opening your eyes. So you decide to just try to go back to sleep to the feeling of eyes on you as you dangle from your dress.... OR NOT. 

You open your eyes wide, unbelieving as you stare into giant red eyes. Framing those eyes is a metal face. With plump metal lips. W o w-

“Good job Soundwave. We might have lost that annoying human woman but we’ve captured her pet.” The face talked before you’re dangling over a cage. 

You look up to see the face had a grey head and a grey body and an grey arm that’s currently pinching your clothes from the nape of your neck as one would a kitten. 

“....uh, do you guys have breathmints?” You ask. The giant robot cringes and suddenly your body goes BONK as you’re dropped into the cage.

“Don’t talk to me, human,” it seethes, “I wouldn’t want you dead before your purpose runs out.” It walks away, each step shaking you. “Keep an eye on it, Soundwave.”

“Yes, lord Megatron.” More shaking steps come closer with that weird synth like voice. You look up to see another giant robot that looks a lot like that boombox you stole...

“...no really, got any breathmints? I want to smell nice when I get out of here and not like vomit and vodka.” You try to talk to it but it just stares down at you. Menacingly. 

You just sigh and lay down. Might as well sleep- you’re shaken by the sound of jet engines roaring. Ugh, fuck. You cover your ears and go into the fetal position. 

You glance up as the blue boombox motherfucker puts his fingers to his head, probably hearing something and then he leaves you. Holy shit, he’s leaving you. Time to escape!!! You run towards the other side of this cage... the dumbasses never built the top of it. You’re about to climb up the cage when you’re shaken by heavy yet lighter steps towards you. 

“Well well well, what do we have here, a little human?” You hear a high pitched voice from the side of you. You turn to see yet another robot, sassily putting its hand on its hip. 

“What? Speechless? I would be too if...” it stops and stares at you... then glares at you. You watch in awe as many emotions flashes on its face before it makes a weird screechy growl noise like a chicken and then reaches into the cage, grabbing you like a kid abusing his hamster. 

He whips you straight to his chest and pops open the glass in it. Holy shit, you’re about to get robot vored !?!?!? You’re thrown in before you can say a quick prayer and everything around you is twisting and turning and you’re jostled around as the scream of jet engines ring out. You’re dipped into the air so hard you black out. 

———

You’re sitting against a tree as a woodpecker sits on your knee. It attacks your leg while it screams.

“I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU”

You wail out in return.

“WHY WHY WHY!?”

It looks up at you and SCREAMS-

———

You’re on the grass as you look up and see that same robot bent over you. You feel like every bone in your body is broken. 

“THERE. WE’RE E V E N. GOODBYE YOU PATHETIC CREATURE.” It screeches at you before jumping up and fucking twisting into a fucking jet. It flies away, leaving you broken, slightly burnt and... intrigued. 

You’re found an hour later, mistaken as a corpse.


	4. Birds and bushes

“Why are you still here? Why are you still here!?” A Cardinal flies around you as you lay down in a field of RPG maker asset rejects. There might be a bush right next to you but for some reason it’s glitching and morphing and seems to take the form of... a heart? A human heart, going ba-bump.

Ba bump ba bump ba bump ba bump

———

“Holy shit, you’re awake!!!”

You slowly open your eyes to white. Like popcorn. Your first thought is “ew, why the fuck did the hospital choose popcorn ceilings.” Your second thought is-

“ASTORIA!” You fling yourself at her and wrap your arms around her, squeezing the fucking breath out of her lungs. She chokes and then taps you and suddenly you feel fucking heavy, the machine going BEEEEEEEEEEE. 

A nearby doctor panics and pulls Astoria away from you as you lose consciousness once again. 

———

The Cardinal is ripping at the bush. “LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

You groan and shoo it away half heartedly. It’s so hard to breathe and to move. You shoo it successfully away though and you look at the bush... someone has broken a branch. It lays on the ground before it slowly bleeds out of pixels. 

You groan and slump on the bush, your body feeling like it’s pumping mercury through your veins. The feeling of the Cardinal landing ontop your head makes you feel even heavier. 

“I told you human. We’re. Even. You can LEAVE now.” It screeches into your face but you can barely hear it. You’re just staring at the bush as it turns from red to neon pink. 

———

“I’m so sorry! I won’t touch again! Promise.”

“You better not! We don’t even know if it’ll stick. Just don’t rile up the subject.” 

You slowly open your eyes again. Your lungs are heavy, your limbs numb. You can barely see. All you can see is a yellow blob and a white blob. 

“Ah, welcome back. You’ve been in a coma, hmm, 3 months, woke up and rebroke 48% of your body again with that hug and then went back into a coma for 3 more months.” The white blob says, each word making it a bit more clear what you’re looking at.... a doctor? Oh and Astoria!

“Oh, hun. I didn’t mean to break your innards! All those gadgets and gizmos in you just stop working!” Astoria says, distraught. The doctor sighs. You groan and try to say something. Astoria leans in, eyes wide as she listens to you say.

“.....breath.....mint....” 

The doctor sighs. “No, no breathmints. Your stomach......almost erupted upon impact. It’s still healing so for now, we have you hooked up on IV.” 

You let out a weak but sorrowful moan. Astoria looks upon you with pity but then looks at the Doctor with a glare. “Tell me when’s the next time we can go to a party.”

The Doctor groans. “I’ve told you, Astoria, ever since your abduction, you’ve been banned from going out in public. Let alone bringing the subject out so soon. But it can return to public within, hmm, a month.”

He starts packing up and starts to leave. “I’ll return within a week. Please stay hydrated and sleep often. And don’t go outside.”

Once he leaves, Astoria turns to you and smirks.


	5. Bar mischief

“Astoriaaaaa I don’t feel so gooooood”

“Oh shut up buttercup, what you need is a good lay! Well... eventually. But seriously, you need some food in you! ‘Specially 6 months without it, yeesh! No wonder your tummy’s hurting!”

Once again, you love your one love of your life Astoria but you’re pretty sure it’s not the lack of food giving you the rumbles. 

Rather it’s the lack of safety in this metal death contraption. 

Her car breaks every five seconds, only for it to boot up everytime she slaps it again. And since she’s so focused on slapping it, the car is driving in cursive. 

If only you had a lunch to hurl.

“GET OUT OF THE WRONG LANE YOU BOZO! Ugh, I knew I should have taken Powerglide!!!” 

Oh my sweet darling princess... YOU’RE THE ONE IN THE WRONG LANE.

You do gag a bit before you can think about anything else she said.

———

“Ahhh, I missed the smell of alcohol and bad life decisions!!!” Astoria takes an exaggerated inhale and sighs dreamily, holding your better arm by the armpit. It hurts like hell as you limp with her.

To be fair, the other one would probably snap clean off and you’ll be in another trimonth coma. 

Thankfully, the place is too rowdy for anyone to notice your over bandaged ass. Astoria leads you to one of the more less occupied sofas inside. 

You sign in relief as you lay down... and then take in the atmosphere as Astoria waves over a waiter. Everyone seems to be buddy buddy with each other. Your vision blurs but you can definitely recognize some characters. Especially with how fucking neon some people’s clothes are in here. 

You squint and look around, your eye looking at someone wearing an ugly sweater with jeans and... black gloves? Ew. Too much. He kinda cute from the back though. 

You look to the left only to spot someone wearing too much black and purple. Jesus fuck, you’ve never seen a goth wear that much belts... 

Between them though.... 

What the fuck. Is this person just wearing a red leotard, blue Jean shorts and...

Your eyes hurt at how wide they get, staring at the black thigh high heel boots they’re wearing. 

You look up- only to see them turned around and staring at you with a red eye. 

You gulp, your heart hurting. What... is this...

You can’t decipher their face past a flinch and the glare they shoot you before turning back to the bar and chugging down their wine glass before loudly calling for another, the two surrounding them cheering them on.

You yelp as Astoria pinches you. 

“I asked what you want!!”

You groan, your head hurting. 

“Uhhh, I don’t know. Water?”

She groans and turns to the waiter. 

“Make that seltzer. I’ll take a beach on the rocks.”

The waiter squints at the two of you but then walks away. You can help but glance back at the boots person. 

They’re talking to too-big-sweater while the peppy goth tries to pretend to not look at you despite obviously are. 

“Oooooh, you’ve been staring!” Astoria giggles and covers her mouth. “Which one which one....”

She looks at you and then around the bar to decipher the suspects. 

“Oh oh! Gotta be one of those three!!! But who....” she starts her weird analysis on them. She uses this on you whenever she thinks you’re lying or you’re wearing hand-me-downs. 

“Well, the sweater guy definitely dresses well but he’s too prudish! If you got together, he’ll be the one knitting.” Said sweater guy seems to be explaining something to the other two as Astoria changes her gaze.

“And the belt store here seems too crazy for you. He’ll convince you to put the Christmas tree on the ceiling or something.” Said belts galore starts laughing hard and slapping the counter, only to be smacked from the one in the middle.

“Now.... stiletto prince here....” Astoria grins as she turns to you. “Seems like a good middle. Crazy but not public domination crazy!” 

Your face is on fire. “H-how do you know that’s a guy!? They look very feminine!” You squeak.

Astoria hmms. “Well yeah... I guess you wouldn’t want a girl.... unless you swing that way!” She teases as the waiter places down the drinks.

This is how you die, spontaneous combustion of the face. You hurriedly grab your water and sips at it to cool down. Ugh, it’s shit. You feel like you’re craving something harsher. But your stomach....

Eh. You just put your drink down and sit back, sighing. “What about you Astoria?” 

She sighs after a long sip of her cocktail, poise and grace despite her party girl persona. “Oh, no can do! My platters full! I got myself a man!!!!”

Both eyes pop open.

“You... you have a boyfriend?”

Your heart sinks in your chest.

“Yep! I gotta introduce you guys soon!!” She claps a bit. 

You’re not allowed to wallow when the waiter comes by, this time with another drink. He places it next to you. 

“Congratulations, you are the first person in my 5 years working here that was bought a glass saying stay away.” 

He walks off, leaving you to take that in.

...

“Alright let’s go home.”

———

“Don’t feel so bad!!! I get restraining orders all the time and I still am loved!”

You’re climbing back into your hospital bed and sighing as Astoria tries to comfort you. 

“Thanks. I think I’ll be fine.”

She sighs and puts down a clear cup of neon pink. It’s very familiar.

“Heres your drink! Don’t chug it down all at once! Well, night!”

With that she dissapears... and you chug it.

————

The tree looks different. It looks like it’s made out of more pixels but like, in a good way? Like better quality. Along with almost everything. Except for the ever present grid on the floor. 

It’s too quiet. You’re waiting for a bird to come and tell you how shit you are. Instead, all you have is a feather in front of you.

Grabbing it, a jolt of electricity stuns you, making you seize up and curl, crying out. With the electrical zap comes a clear message into your mind.

The next time I see you, I’ll kill you.


End file.
